Pilot's Manual
by dogbertcarroll
Summary: Heavily fragmented story. Don't bother reading it cause it makes no sense. SR
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own EVA.**

**AN: This was done with several other authors so there are huge gaping holes where their episodes are. It makes even less sense then canon does.**

**Pilot's Manual****: A flutter of wings ****Episode 125083**

**by ****dogbertcarroll**

Rei continued to pat down his crotch, while her right hand began hesitantly making its way to his zipper. From the sharp intake of breath she heard she knew that Shinji was aware of what she was attempting.

Unnoticed the drink had done it's work upon her as well as him, loosening not only her sexual inhibitions, but her usually suppressed doubts of self worth as well.

She'd just taken the tab of his zipper between two fingers when an unfamiliar emotion swept through her, making her wonder if, perhaps, he didn't really want this. At least… not with her. Their class had quite a few females that were more developed then her and were more outgoing, more… human.

Glancing up she met his eyes and he saw the uncertainty and fear of rejection. He'd seen them in the mirror enough times to make them unmistakable.

He reached down and pulled her to her feet.

"Are you ok?"

Rei held his hand and stared at her feet, unsure if she was being rejected or not.

"I am fine."

Shinji gave her hand a gentle squeeze.

"Did something I did upset you?"

"No. It's…."

Her already soft voice trailed off for a moment before she lifted her head and met his eyes once more. Letting go of his hand she stepped back and took a deep breath before finding the words.

"I'm not like other girls. I'm not… real."

It was a safe comment. She wasn't allowed to tell anyone without the proper security clearance what she was, however no rules had been set for saying what she wasn't.

Shinji grinned. The hormone rush and whatever it was Rei had given him to drink had made him quite lightheaded, combine that with the stark unreality of the situation and his assumption was quite understandable.

"Ahhhh. So I'm just dreaming of you again. I should have guessed. There's no way any girl could be this sexy in real life, especially if she was interested in me."

"You dream of me?"

"Of course."

Rei was more then a little shocked at his confession, which said things that contradicted all the nagging little doubts she had begun to have about herself after watching how other girls her age looked and behaved.

"But the other girls…"

"What about them?"

Shinji pulled her closed and wrapped his arms around her.

"They are not different like I am."

Shinji's right hand stroked her bare back as he drew the scent of her skin into his nostrils and kissed the side of her neck.

She could feel his lips vibrate against her skin as he answered.

"They're not special like you."

She shivered slightly and found her own arms encircling him.

"How am I special?"

Shinji kissed her softly on the lips before answering.

"Because you have given me no pain, because you've been prepared to sacrifice your life to save mine, asking nothing in return, because you stood up for my father, who even I can't see anything good in."

Kicking off his shoes he led her towards the bedroom.

"For all those reasons and more you are special to me."

"But I would have done those for anyone if ordered to."

They paused in her bedroom's doorway.

"Would you really?"

She bit her lip and nodded. Seeing a hint of pain in his eyes she felt a coldness grip her as she searched her brain for a response that would remove it.

"But I am happier knowing that I am doing it for you."

His returning smile brought a surge of warmth to her, as she led him towards the bed, this time as his own self doubts returned.

"But I'm no one special. I'm just Shinji."

Reaching up she cupped his face and returned the kiss he had placed on her lips moments before.

"Everything you've said about me is true about you and what I see as admirable in your father is what I've seen you demonstrate yourself."

Three steps took them to the bed and clothes were hastily shed, as hands and mouths franticly went to work.

Satin sheets provided a slippery work surface, as Rei attempted to position him for entry. Moaning into his mouth she grasped his member and slid the head just inside her slippery lower lips…

Ring-Ring

…as their phones rang signaling another angel attack.

sigh

"Figures. Even in my own dreams I can't catch a break."

Rei pulled him closer to her, slipping an inch or two of him inside her.

"You are not dreaming."

"I'm not?"

Gently biting his lip she watched his eyes widen.

"I'm not dreaming this!"

Shinji and Rei decide to hurry and take care of the angel…

…but Rei recalls that a male's first sexual experience usually ends  
in under five minutes. That's not a significant delay according to  
her calculations.

**Section Two interrupts them after several hours go by without a  
response from their cell phones. **

Misato and/or Asuka enter to retrieve them while enroute to Nerve. 

Something Else happens!

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**Pilot's Manual****: New operational procedures Episode 126066**

**by ****dogbertcarroll**

Gendo sat quietly in his office, waiting for the Magi to give its summary of the situation.

The Magi had it's sensors in a number of pies, chief among them the phone system. As an additional security precaution the pilots' cell phones contained both a tracking unit and an 'omega' modification, that allowed the Magi to keep the line open while the phone was 'off'.

Utilizing the audio input from the two phones and a couple of hidden cameras, installed by unit 2 personnel who were then transferred leaving no one but the system itself aware that the cameras existed, the Magi quickly compiled the following data;

1. Rei was a screamer.  
2. 'Hands on' was the best way to teach Shinji anything.  
3. Interrupting the two was hazardous to Nerv personnel.  
4. Emotional bonds had formed between the two, the  
... sundering of which would result in destruction on a  
... massive scale and would likely prove to be temporary.  
5. The last article of data was calculated without the Eva  
... units themselves factored in.

Presenting the information to Gendo in a format he could deal with and waiting for his response always took a significant amount of time, so the Magi fell back into their usual time wasting argument, trying to figure out the sexual orientation of Dr. Akari's protégé Maya.

Gendo stared at the screen in front of him. This was intolerable, this was impossible, this was insane. The thought that his son had not only been able to seduce Rei, but had drawn her into a web of sexual ecstasy so strong that she had ignored regulations and assaulted Nerv personnel…

Suppressing a surge of pride in his son, he forced his mind back on track.

"Is there anyway of separating the two that does not cause massive damage to the surrounding area?"

**Low Probability**

"How low?"

**.05 percent**

Frowning, Gendo wished once more that the Magi could report things in a reasonable matter somewhere between data deluge and data dehydration. You could get a thousand page report on a simple question requiring days to sort or you could deal with simple answers that always lead to more questions. It was like pulling teeth to get the information he needed. The only saving grace to the Magi system was the fact that the data could be relied upon to be correct.

"What is the plan?"

**Terminate both pilots and incinerate all clones simultaneously. Launch the ashes of Pilot Ikari into the Sun and Pilot Ayanami's into deep space. **

Gendo sat quietly, knowing that the Magi didn't have a sense of humor and was unlikely to have developed one in the last five minutes and tried to deal with what he had just read off the monitor in front of him.

"What is the best way to minimize the effects of their new relationship on our projects goals?"

Misato awoke to the ringing of her phone. Stretching and yawning she glanced around and wondered why she was dressed and on the couch. A vague worry about her young charge's absence floated through her mind, despite the Commander's assurance that he would take care of things.

5 minutes later…

Misato sat frozen in place, the phone still in her hand.

'You've got to be kidding me.'

**Operation 'Hear no evil, See no evil' commences.**

Operation 'Send in the clones' commences.

Asuka arrives.

**Back with Rei and Shinji.**

**SE!**

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**Pilot's Manual****: Connections ****Episode 126311**

**by ****dogbertcarroll**

Shinji awoke with a start as Rei's alarm went off.

Sore and more then a little sticky, he swung a hand out and silenced the alarm.

The slender blue haired figure, curled up on his chest with her arms around him, went a long way towards explaining both his situation and condition, not to mention the unfamiliar warmth in his chest.

"Rei, we have to get up now."

Her arms tightened around him as she snuggled into his chest, before answering in a her usual soft spoken way, already awake.

"No."

"No?" Shinji queried her gently.

A little iron slipped into her voice. "No."

"We can't stay in bed forever. We have to get some clothes from my place and get to school."

He stroked her back and gave her a little squeeze as he waited for her to respond. It was pretty obvious that she had something on her mind.

"I do not think that I can stand going back to being alone again."

"But you're not alone, Rei. You're with me."

He could feel a damp spot on his chest and even though he couldn't hear her crying, he knew it was her tears.

"I did not know loneliness until you arrived. It was simply another word in the dictionary that separated me from everyone else, but as I grew to know you I began to comprehend what loneliness was."

Her voice had a slight hitch to it as she stopped and attempted to regain a little more control.

"Loneliness is being without Shinji."

He held her tightly as she sobbed brokenly into his chest.

He murmured assurances into her ear, wondering what he could say to make her feel better.

"I am afraid that when I am not in your arms I will feel the loneliness return."

Sitting up, he carefully pulled her into a sitting position with him and wondered what he could possibly say that could make her feel better. Mentally shrugging he kissed her tears away and decided to wing it.

Doing something was infinitively better then doing nothing but listen to hear cry and wince at the reflected pain in his own heart.

"Then we'll just have to test that theory while I'm here with you, so if you feel the loneliness return I can hold you in my arms again."

Rei regained a little of her composure as she replied. "Agreed."

Slowly they pulled apart, Shinji found himself loathe to let her go.

"Do you feel ok?"

Rei took several deep breaths before replying. "I do not feel as good as I do in your arms, but I do not feel… bad."

Shinji smiled, relieved that he had managed to do something to calm her down.

"Close your eyes."

Rei complied and sat quietly with her eyes closed. After a couple of seconds a nervous frown formed on her face.

"Please say something. I can not see or hear you. I do not like it." The nervous quaver in her voice was painful to hear.

"I'm still here Rei. If you listen carefully you can hear me breath, feel my weight tilt the mattress a little, and if you're sensitive enough, feel my body heat on your skin. Even if we are not physically touching you can always sense me if you try."

She sat quietly for nearly a minute before speaking again. "Yes, I can sense you. You are sitting right in front of me watching me and wanting to take me in your arms because you hate to see me in pain."

Shinji blinked. "You got all that just from trying to sense me?"

"Yes. Haven't you tried?"

"Not yet."

Closing his eyes, he pictured Rei in his mind and stretched his senses to try and feel her…

Misato crushed another beer can and sent it winging it's way to join it's brothers in the garbage can.

"Yo, Pen-Pen. Beer me."

"Wark!"

The warm water penguin quickly waddled towards the fridge to grab another can for himself and Misato.

Thankfully she had managed to get a shipment of Blue something or other, a Canadian beer that Pen-Pen favored, else she'd have to fetch her own beer.

Assured that another beer was on its way, Misato examined the package that section 2 had dropped off.

Keys for the apartment next door and a revised synch test schedule.

She could hear the workmen hammering away next door.

'Why are they installing so much soundproofing in Rei's new place anyway?'

Rubbing her temples she couldn't help, but sigh.

'I'm much too young to be raising kids that are… . I was sure I wouldn't have to put up with this until I was at least 30. And I'm not even suppose to mention I know unless they tell me!'

**Rei and Shinji's Arrival...**

... 3 hours later.

Rei and Shinji still at Rei's...

...in the shower.

SE! By order of the Magi.

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	2. Chapter 2

**Pilot's Manual****: Know when to hold 'em. Episode 127101**

**by ****dogbertcarroll**

Misato shuddered as the front door opened. The children had arrived and she still wasn't sure how to handle it. She'd only had two beers for Christ's sake!

She really wasn't up to this, but orders were orders.

"Hi, Misato. Sorry I wasn't here last night." Shinji apologized lamely, guilt practically radiating from every pore. "I know I should have called, but I was… a bit busy.

Rei stood by Shinji's side, as stoic as ever. The only hint that something had changed between the two was the almost imperceptible movement of her hand towards his that was quickly aborted as she drew her hand back to her side.

Deciding to follow orders (for once) Misato decided to give them a break and spouted off the cover story she was told to use, with an almost believable smile (She'd only had two beers!) "Don't worry the Commander filled me in."

"He did?" The nervous squeak in his voice really was painful to hear and seeing Rei pale, something Misato would have sworn was impossible, she quickly sped on.

"Yep. He said you were working on some special 'exercises' to raise your synch ratings and the drill was to see how the Command Staff would handle an emergency with the Pilots absent. You couldn't have called because it would have voided the test if we knew where you were."

"Really?" Shinji was stunned by Misato's response. The idea of his father covering for him was about as likely as the Magi developing a sense of humor as far as he was concerned.

This time Rei's hand made a perceptible movement as she placed it in the middle of Shinji's back to keep him from falling over.

"Yep. He said he was a bit disappointed that you didn't show up to report once the drill was over, but that the 'exercises' would leave you sore and tired, so forgetting to report in once was understandable. He did emphasize that once was the only acceptable excuse however and next time he expected you to show up regardless of whatever your current 'activities' were."

"So our actions weren't considered a breach in conduct then?" Rei had spoken up when it was apparent that Shinji wasn't going to be up to speaking for quite some time. At least she assumed the stunned expression and glazed eyes meant he wasn't going to be communicating for a while.

Misato smiled, finding a little humor in their current situation, that and the beer Pen Pen had just handed (flippered?) her seemed to restore her good mood. "Yep. He said you both would likely spend today recovering and moving you into your new quarters anyway."

"New Quarters?" Rei blinked, wondering if her relief in their not being punished was premature.

"Yes. Shinji has been quite vocal in his complaints about your living conditions, so a request was sent up the chain of command to move you to better quarters." Misato paused to take a long draw off her beer watching Rei for any sign of tension, but only catching a faint blush as Rei contemplated yet another act on Shinji's part to improve her life, long before they had… started joint pilot exercises.

"It was decided that moving the pilots into the same building would make it easier to locate them in case of an emergency. So here are your keys and updated schedule."

Holding out a clipboard with a set of keys and a folder on it Misato waited with a grin as Rei tried to figure out how to get it while keeping Shinji propped up.

Mentally shrugging, as from Misato's grin and emphases on certain words it was rather apparent that she did indeed know what was going on, Rei slid her arm around Shinji's waist and wrapped his arm around her shoulders so she could lean forward and grab the clipboard.

"You should go back to your apartment and grab your things. Your new place should be ready with the hour. Normally we'd just send section 2 in to pack for you, but they seem unusually reluctant to enter your apartment. As a matter of fact they've stated that they would require written authorization from both you and Shinji before they would consider it. You wouldn't happen to know why, would you?"

Rei attempted to shrug, but realized it would be to hard to see with Shinji's arm over her shoulders. "I'm sure they have their reasons. Security is a risky business after all and courting unnecessary risk is hardly an intelligent choice."

Misato grinned evilly as she watched Rei stroke Shinji's side trying to revive him.

"Looks like those exercises were really tiring. You know I haven't been getting nearly enough exercise lately, maybe I should ask Shinji to show me some of those exercises."

Rei's eyes narrowed as she met Misato's, while pulling Shinji towards the door. "I would not advise attempting to exercise with Shinji. You would likely become… injured attempting it."

"I don't know about that. I've kept in pretty good shape. I spar with the section 2 instructors at least once a week so I don't get too out of shape." Misato answered with a smirk as she followed them to the door.

"It would not be enough to prevent injury." The finality in Rei's tone was underlined when she shut the front door in Misato's face.

Misato laughed and downed the rest of her beer. "Shinji is definitely a good influence on her. Hey Pen Pen, Beer me!"

Back at Rei's place.

**Nerv central discussions and announcements.**

Enroute to Tokyo-3.

SE!

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**Pilot's Manual****: Calculating odds. Episode 131709**

**by ****dogbertcarroll**

Fuyutsuki stared at the paper in his hand blankly. 'Surely he can't be serious.'

Glancing over at Gendo he couldn't help but notice that he had assumed Evil Genius Pose #5 (Fingers steepled, Glasses tilted to reflect light into the viewer's eyes.), as he watched the chaos his latest bulletin had created among the rank and file below. The knowing smirk of course was an Ikari trademark.

"Gendo?" 'This has to be an elaborate joke.'

"Yes, Professor?" Amusement was uncommonly apparent in his tone.

"Are you serious about this?" Fuyutsuki's tone however was much less amused and a trifle worried.

"Of course. I would hardly have issued it and had it distributed otherwise."

"Is it wise to… encourage their relationship when they share a common parent?"

"That may be true, however as Rei was created using Lilith's DNA as well as Yui's. She is less related to him genetically then any human alive."

"Morally it could still be considered incest."

All amusement had left Gendo's voice as he dropped his hands and turned his gaze to his longtime mentor.

"We have no moral ground to speak from. Everything we have done to this date has directly defied the will of the creator as we know it and earned us eternal damnation if we fail and possibly even if we succeed."

Gendo paused to remove his glasses and rub his temples for a moment before continuing.

"If you want to get technical Rei can be classified as an animal since her DNA is not strictly human, making Shinji guilty of bestiality as well as incest. The Roman Catholic Church classifies angels as they do nuns in terms of relationship to god and standing in the church, so as she _can_ be considered a bride of God, you can add adultery into the lists of crimes against his soul. Let us also not forget that Pope Urban VIII issued a decree in 1643 stating that sex with a nun, even consensually, was to be considered rape and prosecuted as such. So by Shinji having intimate relations with Rei he can be considered to have committed incest, bestiality, adultery, and rape by Catholic law. However since neither of them is Catholic it's rather a moot point."

Fuyutsuki stood there stunned for a moment at Gendo's uncharacteristic outpouring.

"Everyone involved in our project will be saved or damned by our actions. The only true moral ground there is for us… is whether it helps us achieve our goals or not."

Fuyutsuki was silent for a moment before releasing his most telling argument, "What would Yui think of it? Wouldn't she consider both of them as her children?"

Gendo's answering glare backed him up a step and when he finally answered there was as much resignation in his voice as there was anger.

"Enough, Kouzou! Despite their common origins there is very little actually linking them. As far as everyone is concerned they are simply two pilots and that is my final word on the matter."

"Very well, I will say no more on the subject."

"Good. I need you to hire a self defense expert to train Shinji."

"Why would Shinji need self defense training? We have a score of section 2 agents guarding the pilots from possible attack."

Gendo simply handed him a folder and resumed watching the geofront personnel gossip and argue below them.

"This can't be right." Quickly paging through the file he flipped back and forth comparing various charts and graphs that the author frankly can't be bothered with describing. "According to this, in Shinji's first battle Unit 01 didn't go berserk… Shinji did."

**Rei and Shinji… playing poker?**

Fuyutsuki and Gendo… explaining the latest rule.

Shigeru and Makoto… making a little bet.

Something else. 

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**Pilot's Manual****: Know when to fold 'em. ****Episode 131961**

**by ****dogbertcarroll**

Shinji peered at Rei over the cards in his hands. If he hadn't spent countless hours of each school day watching her, he probably wouldn't have noticed the smirk flittering around the edges of her lips. Of course if she hadn't had her cards in the way he would have noticed the crinkling nipples as well.

It had taken a surprisingly long time to gather and box all of Rei's things from her apartment. Not because there was a lot of them, but rather because they had wanted to 'say' goodbye to her old place in the traditional fashion that young couples have practiced since the dawn of time. Then of course a shower was needed, and soap and cold water were involved, taking up even more time.

So all in all several hours had passed before they had managed to get everything to her new apartment.

It was a nice place, almost identical to Misato's, with the exception of only having one fridge and no flightless, warm water adapted, avian with a drinking problem on site. Rei had already considered the possibility of getting one, but had failed to find one on Eva-Bay. She had decided to correct that deficiency later, when she had more time.

Shinji's current predicament was a direct result of Rei's attempt to teach him a proper 'poker face'.

It had taken very little time to put her things away and discover what the apartment had been furnished with. An enviable entertainment center with the latest in movies and music had provided a brief distraction, before Rei had found a deck of playing cards in a box marked 'games'.

Remarking on how easy it was for others to read him, she had suggested a little poker practice would be good training. As an added incentive she had decided it would be strip poker. Whom the incentive was for she had carefully not said.

Shivering a little, not that it was cold in Rei's new apartment, he just felt a little cold because he was only wearing a pair of socks and his undershirt, as he studied her for 'tells'.

The only tells he got from watching her had little to do with cards, but a lot to do with poke'er. Body language says a lot when the person in question is down to socks and two pairs of underwear.

Most of their clothes were in a pile on the table. Shinji was no where near as skilled as Rei in poker. His ability to hold a poker face was poor and her grasp of the rules and odds far exceeded his own, however he had the devil's own luck when it came to cards. Straights and flushes came to his hand more often then not.

"And why exactly are you wearing my boxers as a hat?"

"It is traditional. In all of the videos I have observed with this activity, wearing the underwear of the chosen partner of the opposite sex as headgear was acknowledged as a signal that they intended to have sex with them later."

Looking into her eyes he could see a flicker of desire slip past her attempts at concealing her feelings. A rather moot point since he could literally feel her yearning to be in his arms once more.

Shinji's attempts to hide his reactions were about as successful as usual. Even if he had been wearing his boxers it was doubtful she would have missed it.

Shinji carefully studied his cards. Three kings and a pair of aces had him feeling very comfortable.

"We will have to expedite this game if at all possible."

Shinji glanced up from his cards, "Why?"

"We have sync and medical tests in three hours."

"But it only takes fifteen minutes to get from here to… I fold."

Dropping their cards, Rei has a pair of threes, they quickly stood and stripped. Rei however kept his boxers.

"You win."

"As do you."

Shinji and Rei… several hours later at Nerve.

Fuyutsuki and Gendo… explaining the latest rule.

Shigeru and Makoto… making a little bet.

Something else.

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	3. Chapter 3

**The omake makes no sense without the episode before it.**

**Pilot's Manual - Twisted****: Backup Plans ****Episode 126347**

**by ****dogbertcarroll**

Beep "Er... Dr. Akagi: We seem to have a problem fitting Captain Misato in her new... uniform. She seems to have drunk a lot of beer recently, and..."

Ritsuko grumbled under her breath for a moment before speaking, "Damn! Who's next on the list, Maya?"

Maya glanced down at the list in her hand, her eyes widening as she read the number _two_ spot on the list. Griping the clipboard tightly, she mentally scrambled for a way out.

"Err..." Gulp "You... YES! You are next!"

Ritsuko simply raised an eyebrow, before calmly replying, "Show me that list, Maya..."

Backing away with the clipboard clutched to her chest, Maya nervously glanced around trying to find an escape scuttle.

"No need... I errr... ahhhh... I told you the answer!"

Growling Ritsuko advanced on her with her hand outstretched.

"MAYA! Show me the damn list!"

Giving into her growing panic, Maya dropped the clipboard and fled out the door.

"Sorrycan'tgottagobye!"

Grabbing her communicator Dr.Akagi repeated her earlier command.

"Fire."

The thud of her protégé's unconscious body hitting the floor in mid flight gave her a warm and fuzzy feeling.

'This is even more fun then shooting clay pigeons. I may have to do this more often.'

"Second Target secured. Over," came a male voice from the other end of the communicator.

----Inside the Magi----

MELCHIOR-1: Why did you list Maya as the second choice? All probabilities point to Ritsuko as the second choice preferably with Misato, as they've had previous experience 'working' together in these situations in college. Maya was a distant fourth choice after Hikari Horaki.

BALTHASAR-2: We wanted to settle the question of Maya's sexuality, although it's pretty obvious she's straight from her reaction to Kaji during his last break in disguised as a security specialist.

CASPER-3: She's gay. You only have to monitor her vital signs around Ritsuko to see the data on the wall.

MELCHIOR-1: I still say she's Bi.

BALTHASAR-2: Bi is not a valid sexual classification.

MELCHIOR-1: Yes it is.

CASPER-3: No it's not.

MELCHIOR-1: Yes it is.

CASPER-3: No it's not.

MELCHIOR-1: What would you call it then?

BALTHASAR-2 & CASPER-3: Being greedy!

MELCHIOR-1: Fine. We'll transmit all data, in real time, to the main monitors in the command center and see what the staff says about it. Being human they will decide her final classification.

BALTHASAR-2 & CASPER-3: Agreed.

----Back in the 'Real' World----

"Dr.Akagi, we have a problem."

Picking up her communicator she fired back, "What?"

"Lt.Maya is a bit… under equipped for the uniform. In other words, she's too small. Should we throw her back?"

"Just wrap the both of them in ribbon and expand the food selection to an entire desert cart. It should more then make up for a lack of 'uniform' in this case."

"Yes, Sir."

Glancing down at her monitor, she noticed an outside feed being patched in directly to the battle boards and a request from the Magi to have all personnel not currently employed at critical duties to monitor the broadcast.

On with the show.

Hikari feels the sudden urge to move.

Visiting Section 2 personnel in the hospital.

It rains beer!

SE!

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